crazy dayz

well nothing has went to plan as you may have come to realize. my wife has fallen short and so have i. the most upsetting thing is my grades have suffered. i could spend forever complaining about it all but its time to get my act in gear. i really wanted this semester to be different than my previous all those years ago but it hasnt been other than this time i really want it so i guess i will have to figure things out. looks like i will be heading back to the simi and doing some cross country driving. still bringing my computer with me and doing this college thing online if thats what it takes. till i have figured it out i have several options in front of me however none of which are quitting may be restucturing  let you know when i find out.

and another

really at this point i am watching my world fall apart. not that its so horrible the second time around. i just knew what the consiquinces were before i started. not that that seemed to have any effect on matters. i have had so much happen since thoughs first few days of class. some of it i cant even talk about because i am ashamed at how dumb and gullable i was and how severe it is. the worst is knowing that all the people around me are in it strickly for themselves. my wife, i shouldn't have ever let my parents force us back together. when they kicked me out right before class began i should have just waited one more semmester. i just got tired of having everyone think i was just dreaming about returning back to school. but i guess thats exactly what this has been... futile.... a pipe dream..... another account i can put down on the fucked that one up jack ass column! well i'll be damned if my wife doesn't hold true to her word i will hold true to mine she will get those damn devorce papers i should have given her years ago. now the only thing that really matters is my to kids, and they are at my parents due to the fact i cant afford to have them with me during school. oh and on the flip side i have lost my job so even the finite amount of money coming in has now come to an end because i cant pay my car inssurance. hell i cant pay anything.

well

As you may have guessed from my constant bitching that i have not had the ideal reentery into college the way i had hoped. it pisses me off you know how life throws the book at you and all. but this was so important and from the start it  seemed desten for failure. but i could have done more right. for 14 years i have supported my wife then we discuss things and desided it was her turn well guess what if you dont bet on you no one will. please pray for me my only salvation lies in god now. looks like this has just been a stupid last ditch effort in hummoring meyself before finding remedial life draining work...... till i die.... how ever long i can speed that up.

just another day

well it seems that i  may just make it through yet another week of shananagins. yes i may just do it. the final moment of the day will be my test in political science. i have studied my ass off, excuse the language. but i have. the last test i , lets just say, bombed. i did not do well . an f. not freaking good. i was soooooo disapointed in myself, study habbits, and overall performance in my efforts that i put my chin down and began to study like crazy. since that test i have made 100's on every quiz since. it makes me feel better but not good enough to be relaxed. i still worry daily about the outcome of my grade in that class. and as you may have read so far i also worry about every other damned thing in my little world. i think i need conceling. if i dont have a heart attack or stroke i may survive.

just my luck

well today is another day in the life of my wonderful life. I mean I just love my luck to death. I mean if it gets any better I think I might just buy a gun and stop my suffering. Here I was ready to get my paper and see my final grade and out the window that idea was shot. As usual the luck of Brian has struck again. My paper lost. No grade. The other great news my computer crashed and the final draft lost for ever. The only good news is I still have my rough-draft in my paper work. YAY! I get to start over. Well thats my luck, isn't nice to be brian don't you want to be me for the day. I forreal, please trade places with me I need a break. well untill next post wish me luck.

its such a wonderful life

well fokes as usual its another beautiful day in the life of brian. i'm thinking about changing my name. i'm serious! i cant stand any more great news. there will always be some backround noise worrying us all, guess it effects us only as much as we let it by thinking about these wonderful problems. my new worry is first i failed the ever loveing mess out of my fist pol. science test. and i am right at the point of do or die in the class. well if you are wondering i am doing. if i have to read 4 pagesi have at least 6 pages of notes. the real problem is my father. he has major blockages in his legs, both of them. only 10% of the blood flow is reaching them. he is in stroke/ heartatach zone. they are giving him a dye test to see where and how they may get this life threatening trauma taken care of. if no go on bypasses then they may have to amputate. if that happens, due to his diabeties, poor heart health, old age, and an overall bad physical health, i dont think he will survive. this could have came at a worse moment but it still is not a conveinant time. mot that it would ever be good news to hear. my life has so much happening in it and i know that if the worst happens i know i wont get to spent enough time with him before he leaves. we have never had a good relationship and my actions havnt be honorable and i just want him to see me do good by me and myfamily. it hurts. bad!

getting it done

well i keep hopping around from one emotion to another with no real sense of stable mental welbeing. i started off feeling rushed, and soon found myself pulling out of the slump with decent grades. last week how ever i had a rough go of it. my father was admitted into the hospitol and i missed a couple classes and got behind on my studies. my grades reflected the loss of sleep and stress overall. but i knew what i needed to do and so it has begun. i have been studying relentlessly in my pol. sci. studies. and even went after extra credit in one of my online classes. hoping to combat a terible score i recieved on last weeks asignment. so hopfully that works out and maybe we will have a quiz in my pol. sci. class today  because i know the material forwards and back. as always i think i am doing well in my other two classes. really looking forward to seeing my essy in english so i would know for sure but i'm not worried at all english has always been pretty easy to me the only difficulty i've ever had was from gramer and spelling errors. so working twards better days and doing my best as always, till next breakdown, bye.

wow

well i'm all the way into this college thing and i think i'm handling things just fine. i missed one day of classes and now i'm feeling a little behind. no big. had a test and i relize i need to poor more of myself into what i'm doing. i didn't do to well and i hope this is no indication of how this is all going to turn out for me. just got to keep focused and remember do all i can and leave the rest to god.

first time gitters

well this week has been full of firsts for me in a long time. i had my first real test. thenk i did good on it. the only thing is i was so nervous i could hardly hold my pen. i almost started laughing. i mean i was shaking like a kid taking his first kiss. feel real sorry for the teacher, he has to try and desifer my answers. my writing looked like i was trying to write something for halloween. then there was the ever present dreded first english essay. no shaky hand writing there been typing, somthing i am getting faster at already. by the end of my college stay i should be able to give any secretary a run for their money. this assignment didn't worry me for whatever reason. at some point in my life i guess i accepted that writing was something i was always going to have to do. by the end of highschool i secretly found i enjoyed doing it. i mean i might be no good at it but i realy find it easy and comforting jotting down my feelings, veiws, or rammblings down on paper getting them back. so lets get to class and find out how i've done on my assignments.

bills

we all have them and noone really wants them. they cause stress and seem to suck the life from you like a sucubus. very rarly do they ground you and have some possitive influance in our day to day goings on. you guessed it bills. and for the past month due to the changes in catering my life around my choice of pushing to better my future have been piling up. normally i fall to pieces at this point but that isnt an option at this point. i hate being behind it sets the tone for me to constantly feel rushed. as usual with my luck it gets better my finanial aid, well the loans i have taken out seem to not be posting on our schools site. so its off to the finacial aid office to straighten things out. no doubt with more wonderful news. HA! whats next. throw it at me world do your worst while i do my best.

calming down

well alot has happened in the small world of brian since the last time i posted. well i guess not that much but alot for me. before making any rash desicion i decided to take it slow and got talk to my concellor. he told me to tak to the teacher before i go messing with my aid and time it will take to graduate. i did and with a little reassurance from my teacher i have a new fouynd respect for my class. so i have almed down considerably and am taking all this in stride. as long as i'm doing ALL i can do i need only remember thats all i CAN do!

thinking too much

i currently have a full load of classes and under alot of stress. work school familily, it has me a little overwelmed. i know its nothing plenty of people have already been through. its just how i handle things. i'm a worrier, like my mother. guess i have that to thank her for! just what makes me tick,lol. well due to the sudden incline in the worry department i am thinking about dropping a class. due to the length of time since i've been in school and the importance of my grades i think this is the right choice; but now i'm wooried that i'm am rushing my choice. will this ever stop! i mean damn all i can do is my best and let the chips fall where they may. or am i worried because i really truely dont feel that i am giving my all? well i dont know! HELP! it feel like i'm under water, i can see the surface just can't make it there. any ideas?

work and a new begining

first off let me start by giving u a little insight into all that is brian. i am soon to be 33, although i have a baby face and have just recently been able to buy beer without  being carded. i tried my hand at higher learning shortly after highschool and found that i was just to damned hard headed to jump through the hoops that the real world sets before u on a daily basis. so i started a family and began working..... hard. i fooled myself with materialism and had a great credit score and alot of shit. that came to an end after nearly loosing my foot. with bills mounting i filed bankrupsies and nearlylost my mind. during thoughs years i made some seriously stupid panic indused choices. now i'm back! i am ready to make the choices it takes and jump through those damn hoops i ran from all those years. no regrets just some lost time, no big. but what about work. jobs hire u on the belief they will be able to work around such an important choice u have made as college, but really do they ever stop to think about all that incompases. no i think not. so the fifty four million dollar question is how to support a family and still hold the strenght to poor myself into school the way i want and know i need to do.